I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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