Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
