I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
