I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
