I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Never underestimate the power of titties
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize