Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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