his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
