u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
