he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
