Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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