Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There's a naked man in my car right now.
my liver is dry heaving
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
