Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
