this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
