put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
