member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
