giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What happened to fro yo and sex?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
