I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
