i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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