my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your penis caused this!
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