Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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