Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
