i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
