Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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