The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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