I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
