I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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