I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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