Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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