You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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