Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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