im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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