is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
