4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
