Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
