I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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