Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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