i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
