Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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