Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
