guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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