He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
