I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
