you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
