I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
