After last night, I could never be a politician.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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