He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
