Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
