my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
