There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
