Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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