if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
