Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
