After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize