Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
